New York, Interrupted

"Go west, life is peaceful there
Go west, lots of open air
Go west to begin life new
Go west, this is what we'll do
Go west, sun in winter time
Go west, we will do just fine...."
-Village People

IF YOU'RE READING THIS you probably already heard the news - my parents' home back in Tennessee was destroyed in a tornado this past weekend on Good Friday. The good news is of course that they were not home at the time and are fine. The bad news...most of the middle section of the house was destroyed, leaving my parents' living situation in limbo. The latest is that it may be possible to save the house, but it doesn't look likely. A few things were spared - the 19th century china, a prized sofa, even my piano made it out. But a lot did not. But things are not people, and people are what count here.

So I am trading Brooks Brothers suits for old blue jeans, and runs in Central Park for jaunts to Home Depot. Next week (following a stopover in Houston to see Alex!), I am heading out to spend the month of May back in Tennessee helping my parents get settled in a new house. I had wanted a "break" from work for a while, but certainly not under these circumstances! Still, I am looking forward helping my parents get back on their feet and becoming reacquainted with my hometown.

New Yorkers always say that once you've lived here, you can never go home again. I guess we'll find out.

Night, Life

“I’ll take you 'til you’re all spun up
Fir or fat it doesn’t matter what you got
I’ll take you 'til you’re all spun up
And in love, into the nightlife….”
-Cyndi Lauper

I’M STARTING TO ENJOY the occasional Friday night home because I can do all the things I never have time for, like blogging. I am back on Weight Watchers (per resolution 2 below) so tonight I logged some time at the gym and then came home and made myself a (quasi) healthy dinner. It’s week three of the diet and I’ve lost three pounds! This time I want to take it all the way to reach my ultimate weight goal – the ever-elusive 170 pounds! A couple of years ago I would have been grateful just to be in the 180s but now I sort of realize, technically I am still overweight, and it’s hurting my running, so why not start my 30s as the healthiest “self” I can be. I made a little progress on the other resolution front as well – the one about being more social. But of course as with everything in New York, it’s never easy. I had two sort of interesting social experiences recently worth sharing.

Two weeks ago I finally caught up with Ryo and had a chill dinner followed by a drink or two at the only gay bar on the Upper West Side, Candle Bar. One of mine and Ryo’s joint resolutions is to visit gay bars we’ve never been to before. Well, turns out we weren’t missing much (except for a pretty decent juke box!). The next night I was scheduled to visit with my friend Susan who I hadn’t seen since election night. But she had a baby shower to attend that afternoon and dinner plans later on, so she squeezed me in for a late afternoon drink. I took her to Splash, my favorite gay bar (at least for happy hour). Her commentary was pretty funny, especially about the sign in the (unisex) bathroom that said “Please, only one person per stall.” We had a nice time catching up. Her relationship is moving right along. Looks like things are pretty serious for her, which is great. But it just seems like yesterday when we were both whining about being single!

Around 7:30 Susan and I parted ways outside in the snow. I had no other plans for the evening and I remembered that the gay country line dancing place I had been to with Hunter and Jay that one night was only a couple of blocks away, and it started at 8:00. I was hesitant to go alone but I thought, why not? So I went. And I was pleasantly surprised when a group of young, hipster-y guys showed up soon after. I got up my nerve and said hello to one of them and tried not to be too obvious about the fact that I thought his friend was super-cute. “So, um, is he your boyfriend?” “Oh, roommates! Ahh….” Of course then I got to chat with him for a while which was great. He seemed really nice, about my age, very good conversationalist, etc. We even danced a couple of dances (he led, I followed…tee-hee…) and when we had to find a partner for the “barn dance” (haha sounds like some kinky gay ritual) he picked me, which was a good feeling. I met a few other folks that night but he was by far the most interesting, so when it was time to head home I did the whole “well it was nice meeting you” thing, and he asked if I had a card – so I gave him one. Now it seems like lately whenever I give out my email I never hear from the person so I feel like this is a sort of cursed practice (a la the movie, “He’s Just Not that Into You”), but since he asked for it…I thought surely he would email. But alas, a week later….nada.

It’s not that big a deal – it’s just like, ugh, gay guys are so bad! Why do they say and do things they don’t mean! But I am guilty of it too. I have exchanged cards out of politeness with no intention of ever getting in touch. Again, it’s not a big deal. A year ago (or even a few months) I would have felt all hurt but now I realize it’s just not worth getting upset about.

Fortunately my experience last night had a happier ending, but also a more ambiguous one. Before I left for Christmas break I was working on a Saturday and went up to the chemo pharmacy to take an auditor who was visiting. One of my coworkers – Daniel – who I am friendly with but didn’t know all that well was there so we started chatting. Now Daniel is one of the 2 new residents in my office. This may sound familiar because I had a crush on the resident from last year that went down in flames. But this year when I met the two new guys I thought to myself, “well that won’t be an issue this year – these guys are strr-aight!” One is very conservative, religious guy from North Carolina who apparently thought the Broadway show Gypsy was too sinful to take his girlfriend. The other – Daniel – is very sweet but kind of goofy – which we all attributed to his being from Alaska. He is quintessentially Alaskan looking too – very tall and kind of burly, wears lots of plaid and big clunky shoes, you get the picture….think of the Brawny paper towel man, with a bad haircut. Anyway we were talking and I asked him what he did last night, and he sort of leaned in and started listing off all these gay bars he went to with another coworker of ours! It was like, wow…I guess you never really know.

It was sort of awkward but he gave me his number and we talked on the phone later that day and agreed to go out after I got back, as I was leaving for Tennessee in a couple of days. So we finally went for a drink after work last night so I took him to, of course, Splash. It was so much fun just because I could tell how excited he was to be there. He clearly doesn’t have a lot of gay friends here so I realized how psyched he must be to finally be “out”. And we really had a great time and ended up staying and talking for like, three hours. Of course as the evening progressed I started looking at him sort of like, “hmmm…you know, he is kind of cute.” But the other voice reminded me, “this guy needs friends right now, not a boyfriend.” And I realized myself, you know what, so do I. So we kissed goodnight (on the cheek) and parted ways. As I was walking down the street he turned and yelled really loud, “get home safe!” It was so odd - a very un-New York thing to say, but so cute too. I tried to play it cool – I gave him a nod, and kept walking.

Be It Resolved...

AFTER TWO WEEKS at home with the fam in Tennessee, I'm back in New York (hallelujia!) and life seems to be getting back to normal. I had a nice New Year's Eve, running the midnight race in Central Park with my new lesbian friend, Elise. Did I mention I have a lesbian friend? I'm just excited because I've never had one before! It's been eye-opening for me...I am learning so much new information....(some of it I had been OK not knowing). She's a real sweetheart though. And I had always found lesbians so intimidating....

Anyway, it's not a new year without a few resolutions, so jumping right in:

1). RUN THE 2009 NEW YORK CITY MARATHON!!! That's right, I have done enough races in 2008 and even completed my volunteer service, so I am all qualified for the 2009 ING New York City marathon in November. Now...just to get back in shape which will hopefully help me...

2). LOSE TEN POUNDS. Some of that Weight Watchers weight I lost has sadly crept back up on me and I need to nip this shit in the bud. I bought these new beautiful pants in early December for Christmas and I tried to put them on today and alas, too tight. They really are pretty. So hopefully my running will help me lose ten pounds, get in those pants so I can...

3). HAVE MORE OF A SOCIAL LIFE. When did my life get so dull? One of the reasons I blogged so little in 08 was sheer lack of interesting material. This is largely my fault. Moving even further uptown makes it easy to want to stay in more and get complacent about going out. Combine that with some of my friends moving further in the opposite direction (Brooklyn) with a seasonal period of ennui, and it makes for one boring blogger. But I have 8 more months of my 20s left and I intend to enjoy them. I think one facet of that will be to do a better job about keeping in touch with the friends I have, but also getting out there and making some new ones. Which may help me to...

4). FIND A HUSBAND.

Or maybe I am getting ahead of myself. One thing at a time....

Uncle!

"I'm limited - just look at me -

I'm limited.

And just look at you

You can do all I couldn't do...

So now it's up to you

Now it's up to you..."

-"Wicked"

Thomas Alexander - born Dec 2nd, 2008

Blog, Interrupted

“Just because I’m hurting
Doesn’t mean I’m hurt
Doesn’t mean I didn’t get what I deserved
No better and no worse

I just got lost…”
-Coldplay

“It’s New York – everybody’s insane!”
-Sex and the City


IN SEPTEMBER I STOPPED WRITING because quite simply I felt like I had nothing to say. What had been a somewhat difficult summer evolved into what became an even more difficult fall. It’s hard to explain, at that time along the way I fell into a rut, then a funk, then looking back, into what was probably what some could call a light depression. I feel like I can say this now with some clarity, almost as if I am finally getting my head above water to take a breath. In short, I’m fine. But it took a little while.

Back in August, seeing myself falling into this sort of mindset, I went to see a “therapist” for a few sessions. Which was like, wow – I am officially a New Yorker! The first therapist was awesome – but she was the free one (a work benefit) – so she eventually had to refer me to another lady who was a truly hateful, evil bitch. Basically after my 4th or 5th session she was like “well you have a bad attitude about therapy and you’re not paying me enough to put up with you.” I couldn’t believe it – and me, who’s always been a straight A student – expelled from class! But I think in the end it was good. I realized what it came down to is that only I had the ability to really change my thinking, and in the end I came through for myself. So I fired my therapist, or rather she fired me. Fuck her.

So how did this all come about? I think it was the difficultly of still processing my brother’s reaction to me coming out, which was really tough. I think at first I sort of soldiered on like “oh I am fine” when in fact it was still really bothering me. For example, one morning (with two visitors staying with me) I had a dream that was so vivid it was almost a hallucination – I thought I saw (and heard) a rock crashing through my window and shattering all the glass. I woke up screaming (scaring the shit out of my house guests) and was even down on the floor looking for the broken pieces. It just seemed so real. I relayed this story to my friend Ryo and has was like, “Robert you don’t need a counselor, I think you need electro-shock therapy!” My therapist said the rock was a metaphor for all the scary things out there crashing into my life – with brute force and against my will. I guess on that part, she had a point. In another instance, I was all drunk and pissed off at a party after feeling slighted by some boy and took it out on Ryo on the trip home. Apparently I was so mean to him he wouldn’t talk to me for a few days, although I was too drunk to remember what I said.

Yeah, so that was not good. And speaking of rocks crashing through, a few weeks later the two biggest rocks of all came rolling into town, my parents. I knew they would disapprove of everything about my life (my neighborhood, my job) and make it a difficult weekend – and boy did they deliver! I won’t go into specifics but it’s nothing new – a constant string of criticism and disapproval. I knew I just had to tell myself to not let it sink in, to try and not let it sink in. But as always, a little bit does.

But the past few months were certainly not all bad. I had an amazing trip to Fire Island in late summer, got to see my college friends at a wedding in North Carolina, and had a very brief relationship with a classical singer. More on all this soon to come! Writing again feels good. And I realize, I have a lot of catching up to do.

Gossip, Girl

FALL IS IN THE AIR, and where do I begin to recount the remainder of my summer? I ran the New York half marathon in July - finishing with a time of just over two hours. Something to definitely be proud of. But perhaps fittingly, like finishing a half marathon - lately it's been two steps forward, one step back.

Spotted: a certain blond-haired blogger kissing a new flame in the middle of Grand Central Station. But three weeks later...realizing (once again) he got it all wrong.

Spotted: the birthday boy having good clean fun in Central Park, celebrating 29 with a new friend by attending a stunning performance of Hair. But the next week...our hero back to his old ways, boozing it up at a couple of parties, then having a 3am meltdown and a falling out with the same friend. Too bad he didn't remember most of it.

Spotted: a certain ex with his all-too-perfect new beau in a chance encounter at Jones Beach. We wish the happy couple the best.

And spotted: R at the Saturday night show of Gypsy starring Patti LuPone. The show was A+, but somehow lately it seems, everything is not coming up roses.

This gossip girl will be just fine, but for now needs some time to focus on himself and get things moving in the right direction again.

Until then, you know you love me.

xoxo

-Robert

Welcome to El Barrio, Part Dos

IT'S A HOT ONE up here in SpaHa (Spanish Harlem) - the ice cream truck just rolled by with the echos of "It's A Small World" wafting through the air. I've been here over a month now which is hard to believe. It's starting to feel like home, especially since my friend Alex came a couple of weeks ago to give me a good old fashioned extreme home makeover. The weekend was a lot of hard work but we got the place looking a whole lot better in a short amount of time. (See to the right for "before" shot - "after" coming soon). We painted, installed shelves, assembled various Ikea furniture, put in new lighting fixtures, hung curtains, moved some things around a voila - the beginnings of a really cool apartment. I say "beginnings" because I still have some work that needs to be done. The final product will include a new light fixture above what will be the dining room table and chairs, some side board tables, a dresser, some more new paint, and some fun extras like better sheets and pillows. But alas, I hit my budget, so it will have to wait. Anyway it was also so great to see Alex. Saturday we had one night "off" and headed to Brooklyn - we got to see Hunter and Jay, Ryo, Susan, and my friend Arturo all in one night! It was such a rare occurrence for all of my friends to be in the same room but it was just wonderful. Hunter and Jay had us over to their place which was amazing. Not at all jealous....

What else is new in my life? The half-marathon is this Sunday - I've been "training" so to speak but it's so damn hot it makes it pretty difficult to run. I did 10 miles last week and am going for 12 tomorrow night. Let's just hope I get across that finish line! I'm excited, but I think really just excited to have it over with. Running is fun but after this I think I am going to take a hiatus until the fall so I can enjoy what's left of the summer.

Friends? I've been spending a lot of time with Ryo - he's just such a funny, cool guy, who also has a cynical side which lately I feel more and more drawn to. I realize that is both good and bad. I feel like he was really missing in my life because in so many ways we are just on the same page. He just gets me in ways other of my friends in New York don't. For example...I haven't seen my friend Joe in ages. He invited me out but I was sort of not feeling it with him...I don't know, his life suddenly seems foreign to me. Going to Fire Island, hooking up, sleeping until noon - I feel like I can't relate to that any more. I told him about the half-marathon and his response was, "well at least you'll be skinny." It's like, no, that's not the point... Anyway, Ryo just makes me feel good about myself and I feel like he is sort of a partner in crime. Even though it's totally platonic I don't feel quite so "apart" from my other friends - especially my couple friends when he is around. Hard to explain...

Family? I've reached an uneasy truce with my brother. After not speaking for a while (about a month) he finally called and we got a little more out of that conversation. It's just so hard with him. He just really doesn't understand. What surprised me is that he really, deep down thought I was straight. I think in the back of his head he thinks I "decided" to be gay one day, even though I have told him over and over it doesn't work that way. I guess people see what they want to see. It's stressful to me but I don't feel like there is much I can do about it right now. Just pray that things improve.

Dating? Ugh, brick wall. I went out with this guy last night. I met him at a party and he seemed sort of cute and is very nice, and even laughs at my jokes. But when we met up I was just like, not feeling it at all. Honestly I am not totally sure it was even him. I feel like I could go on a date with the hottest guy ever (Anderson Cooper?) and not really give a shit. It all just seems so pointless and stupid. Jaded? Absolutely. Disappointed I can't seem to connect with anyone romantically? Definitely. Will these feeling go away? I hope so.

In the mean time work is out of control insane, so I have that to distract me. And placing a good time in the half marathon is my focus right now. After that, I'll need a new project to keep me busy. Which begs the question, what to do next?